No Money No Honey

Chapter 1 – The 7-11 hit

Vince Rennie was bending down by the cooler in the 7-11 shop selecting his beer bottles when he heard the first shot.

In April this year Bangkok was hot and humid. The briefing had been unhurried. ‘We need you in Thailand, but take some R&R there first. When you’ve sampled the delights somewhat, contact Colonel Chooshoop, he’s a big player in the Thai Police. He’s looking for a free-lance mercenary cum security consultant to do their dirty work. They call it the Chinese project. It’s a hard ball initiative. You would fit the bill perfectly, make sure you do. He’ll probably pass you down the line for the operational details. Oh, be careful. Thailand is a wonderland. Anything can happen.’

Too right, he thought. Yesterday when he needed to fill up the mini-bar in his apartment, he had grumbled to the two girls behind the counter, both wearing identical green striped tops with ID cards attached, “If you stack the beer on the high shelves I can reach them easy, and the Coke and Liu-lo cans can go below for the kids. Everyone is happy.” Not an unreasonable request he thought.

The girls, one of whom was pretty and slim with perky breasts, looking a bit out of place in the shop, and the other, who was larger and not pretty, just looked at him and giggled. Then the big one rattled off some Thai words that he couldn’t understand anyway. Well nothing had bloody well changed since yesterday, the same two girls were behind the till chatting, and not busy switching beer bottles around the cooler shelves. Clearly 7-11 didn’t worry too much about customer care; he was thinking maybe he should go down the street and see if the Mini Mart was still open at midnight.



Elroy Biera who was lanky and looking a bit like Michael Johnson and Innocent Ramnaps who looked (and acted) a lot like Frank Tyson on a bad fight night planned to hit the 7-11 shop as a practice run. Their main priority was to raise enough cash to replace their cheap Bangkok pistols, and to upgrade to a pair of 44 Magnums or whatever. Their next objective was to rob the small agency branch of the Siam Commercial Bank, but this had its own problems. They had talked about it most mornings after breakfast when the cartoons finished lounging in their Grand Palace twin bed hotel room, number 557 inked in black on the door with a not so grand bathroom, but it had air con that worked ok and cable TV. They had reached this point.

Elroy: “We don’t just go in and shoot everyone; we gotta act real cool.”

Innocent: “Like I said, I can blow these ‘motherfuckers’ out real easy, so what’s the problem?”

Elroy: “Well for one thing there could be five staff or so plus customers and while you are blowing brains out all over, one of them that you don’t shoot will press this big alarm button before I get the friggin’ money and all hell will break loose. No Dawg, we gotta think smart.”

Innocent, looking hard at Elroy and thinking maybe he lost it somewhere said, “So, you have all the bright ideas now huh?”

Elroy, thinking out loud now that Innocent had put him on the spot said “I go up to the counter just before closing time and while they are otherwise occupied in clearing up I tell one of them to open the till and put the notes in the bag. I give the bag over and let them see the .38 pointing at them. I say act real cool, nothing foolish and we all go home safe – that’s it, easy – they give me the friggin’ money and we get out fast.”

Innocent: “So you’re acting Mr. Real Cool, what I do, pick my fucking nose or something?”

Elroy was now flowing nicely, “You cover me, make people lie on the floor away from any alarm buttons. Wave your gun around a bit – show we’re friggin’ serious.”

Innocent: “Better I shoot the ‘motherfuckers’ – that show them I’m serious.”

Elroy, looking hard at Innocent and thinking maybe he lost it somewhere said, “Think on it Dawg – you want to land up looking out of bars the rest of your life?”

Innocent: “Fuck it.”

Elroy now thinking hard himself could see that there were several flaws in his plan. Maybe he had better recruit a driver was one; maybe Innocent would screw up was another. The 7-11 was an easy hit; see how that goes first.



Elroy was in two minds whether they were ready for the bank robbery, and he felt uneasy in this strange environment, so unlike the US where their previous hits had taken place. 7-11 shops were different, real easy pickings should be available, and they needed the friggin’ cash, that was top priority right now. He wanted to get it over with, and impatiently waited for the night. It was a long wait.

Innocent lived for the moment. Hitting a 7-11 shop was like taking candy from kiddies. He could do it blindfold, so he just chilled out. The day passed uneventfully, but too slowly for Elroy. Between beers and room service, they sat and watched a succession of TV shows. Around mid evening they watched a LA crime movie. It was a repeat. At last the movie finished, with the same cops arresting the same bad guys which didn’t make Elroy feel any easier. Nevertheless, he pulled himself out of his armchair and got up. “Time to move on out,” he said, gesturing to Innocent to shift his ass into cruise.

They caught a cab some ways from the Grand Palace Hotel and had the driver drop them off two blocks from the 7-11 around midnight. The street traders had gone and there were only a few night birds and a blind beggar with white cane and bowl sitting on the pavement outside the 7-11 by the Bangkok Bank ATM machine. As they arrived, Elroy took a quick glance through the entrance door, no one was waiting to be served, there were two girls at the tills one was yawning, and the other had her cell phone attached to her ear talking. “Ok let’s friggin’ do it.”

The door opened automatically and they both went in fast. Elroy looked around but did not see anyone in the shop. Innocent pointed his .38 at the girl nearest the till who had now stopped yawning, saying fill this bag NOW and I mean NOW. By the time Elroy turned back around, he saw the girl had not moved one inch but she was opening her mouth to scream, but didn’t because Innocent shot her between the eyes. Elroy, panicking somewhat, reached over the counter and stuffed the bag full of the notes from the till. The other girl stumbled back and then fell to the floor in a dead faint, her cell phone bouncing across the floor.

Vince, who was out of sight of the front counter, leapt up clutching his basket of six Chang beer bottles that sold for forty baht each as a special offer and said, “What the BLOODY HELL” loud enough that Innocent turned with a look of surprise and as he and Elroy ran out, he fired his .38, a couple of bullets smashing the beer bottles and ricocheting into a diving Vince. The last thing Vince thought about before slumping to the floor and losing consciousness was, ‘Anything can happen’.



Innocent, wearing a white T-shirt and jogging pants, was in a good mood. “It was real cool Dawg; we did what had to be done. You see me drop that white ‘motherfucker’?” bragged Innocent, as he lolled in his favourite chair watching a TV doctor carrying out a liver transplant.

Elroy, wearing a red T-shirt and blue jeans, was not so happy. Although they had got clear away without causing a commotion outside, the haul had been 6,050 baht, around US$70, which hardly bought a friggin’ Songkran water pistol let alone a 44 Magnum. He picked up his Chang beer that had 6% alcohol content written on the side of the green can with a picture of an elephant on it and took a gulp. “How the hell I know some smartass was there. Anyways he won’t be doing much drinking or much else now you filled him full of lead.” That pain in the ass Innocent acting like he was a black Rambo or something, not finishing the job properly. Now they gotta keep off the streets while the heat cools down. By the friggin’ time it’s quiet again, all the money is gone on hotel bills. Elroy being serious now, said, “We gotta check the smartass is dead and maybe we need to take out the girl also. They’re the only ones who could friggin’ testify.”

Innocent still enjoying life as black Rambo said, “No problem Dawg, be cool.”

Elroy felt like finishing him off there and then, but they went back aways. At orphan school in South Carolina, their parents having emigrated from Nigeria but then died of AIDS, they (surprisingly) took the crap given out by the white jockeys calling them Monkeys, even though they were both big guys and into hustling. That is, until one day Innocent, being far from that now, had taken as much shit as he was going to take, so he hotwired a top of the range Mercedes SLK open-top from a jockey’s house, and with the stereo turned up real loud, drove it to the pool hall where Elroy was hanging out not doing too much. Innocent had said, “Yo’ Dawg, wanna cruise in my new limo?” and things just went on from there over the next couple of years.

First was robbing a gas station for fun using a replica Magnum 44 and wielding a Louisville Slugger that scared the shit out of the woman cashier, who didn’t much care what they took as long as it didn’t include her. That haul raised $1,277 and they were finished with stacking cheese for a living.

Second, with plenty of $100 bills they picked up a couple of random chicks from the Thai 69 club in town who wanted money first and black meat second; and Innocent, being in the best mood of his life, had let Elroy have first fuck of the prettier younger one on the soft cream leather seats in the back of the SLK.

Third, after a few more profitable gas station hold-ups this time with real shooters that they were not afraid to use, they felt the heat getting too close, so taking the Thai girls somewhat subjective advice, they got next day passports issued from a Miami expeditor service, and took off to Bangkok for replacement guns and more Thai pussy.



Vince opened his eyes and saw the pretty one sitting alongside his bed, which was in a small private room and had a picture of King Rama IX on the wall. He smiled, and went to sit up to look at her better, but he couldn’t move much owing to the four tubes and two drips attached to his body and arms. Anyway the pain in his stomach was enough just to lie there all quiet. She said, “You lucky man, very strong, save Nok, black man no good,” then her eyes clouded over as she recalled Lin’s brains being splattered all over her top and dripping down her green overall. “Ghost Lin, she come see me unhappy, I scare.”

Vince was happy that Nok was alive, strange how the pretty ones always survive and the others don’t, but unhappy that some black bastard had shot him; also, looking at the drips, the hospital treatment was not going to be cheap.

This made it personal for them both.

Chapter 2 – The 7-11 police investigation

When Vince woke again with a headache that was the least of his hurting, Nok had gone and a policeman was sitting in her chair.

“My name Lieutenant Prik Dum, District 4. What happen?”

“I got shot.”

“Who shoot you?”

“No idea.”

“You not see?”

“Not see.”

“Come back, first talk to 7-11 girl.”

Vince now being more cooperative said, “Ok you come back, still not see.”



Elroy bought that day’s Bangkok Post from the hotel desk, nice smile from the receptionist, together with several more cans of Chang beer taken from their cooler. At the bottom of the front page was a small section detailing the robbery report.

At 12.30 a.m. yesterday, the Soi 55 Sukhumvit Road 7-11 shop was brutally robbed by two unknown assailants. Over 20,000 Baht was stolen and one staff was killed and a customer was taken to hospital with serious injuries. Police are questioning the witnesses. This is the third all night shop robbery in the last few weeks and police think it could be the same bandits.

Shit, 20,000 baht, the staff are the bandits; more important both witnesses can nail us, assuming the friggin’ Ice Cream don’t die, he thought. He showed Innocent. Innocent wasn’t much interested in reading, he was watching TV. He turned around to Elroy, saw the beer cans that looked nicely chilled and asked for one. Elroy thought about getting his friggin’ .38 to show Innocent how serious he was.



This time Nok was sitting in the chair by his bed, looking at his name tab saying ‘Rennie’. The chair looked comfortable enough. Maybe he ought to get two chairs in, but there again there was only enough room for one chair anyway. Sod this bleeding headache, but he managed to sit up a bit to look at Nok; they had brought an extra pillow in. Nok looked very sexy that day with her long black hair and Chinese eyes, wearing a skimpy black top that showed off her perky tits that he wanted to feel and red cut off pants that clung to her tight ass that he also wanted to feel. “Nok change to new Nok; 7-11 good heart, manager give money no tell police.”

Vince not too sure about this zany Thai transformation, but went along with it for now said, “You look very pretty Nok.”

Nok smiled at him saying, “Thank you Raynee, not pretty, many lady pretty more.”

Vince smiling back said, “I like you, not other ladies,” and wishing they were in his hotel room and not the hospital. “You like me?”

“LIKE RAYNEE” Nok nodding yes, laughing and changing the subject said, “Police ask many question, but I not know, not tell. I scare.”

Vince had his own reasons and says, “Same same.” Wondering where this is leading to but still going along with it.

“You find black man no good?”

“Yes I find man. Maybe take his money, maybe break his legs and dump him in a slum for the dogs to chew over his balls.”

“Ok, I wait you.” And then she went.

Vince being very philosophical wondering why she went when she is waiting and how he found himself in this situation reflected on it a bit:

Vince Rennie, age 35, unknown parents, 6’3” fair hair, blue eyes, 120 kilos of hard muscle, brought up in a Scottish monastery until he was old enough to join the army. Specialising in explosives, he saw active service in Lebanon, Afghanistan and Belfast before resigning with honourable discharge (bedding his Commanding Officer’s wife that was kept quiet) and a meagre gratuity payment. Travelled throughout Asia as a part-time security consultant for the last few years building up a network of contacts on route, reaching Bangkok via Abu Dhabi two days ago on a ‘3 month’ business visa.

Well that about summed up Vince Rennie’s life. The only interesting bit was the CO’s wife who was a great fuck, and the CO who was a little fuck.



Several days passed. Elroy finally brought Innocent around to his way of thinking. Appealing to Innocent’s better nature with a few more beers, he said the only way we get our hands on those Magnums is to find those friggin’ witnesses. Innocent, not seeing the logic, but shooting ‘motherfuckers’ was more his line anyway and maybe Elroy could see a little clearer on the bank job.

“We gotta find a friggin’ local, maybe a Bro who can speak the lingo, let’s go and play pool.” Elroy’s upbringing had been educationally sound. Pool halls attract hustlers, informers, undesirables and groupies, and sometimes killers.



Lieutenant Prik Dum had solved the case and was now off the hook. Neither the girl nor the Farang had seen anything that they would admit to even though he had returned to the hospital again. None of the victims were Thai, the dead girl was Khmer with no family, and the shot man was a Farang. He filed a report that said the assailants were unknown, the Farang was recovering, the 7-11 girl had a new job, and the dead girl was cremated and paid for by Thai monks. Besides, the 7-11 district manager, Tan Dai, had given him 3,000 baht, which was not in the report. The cremation bit was the marketing killer. His commander, Colonel Chooshoop marked him up for promotion.

Chapter 3 – The Chinese connection

Lai Chan Chen looked at his Rolex Challenger and cursed his astrologer. He was late. Dong Sui See looked at his Rolex Classic and patiently awaited Lai’s arrival. Extending old-fashioned courtesy towards Lai, he did not show displeasure for he knew that Lai would seek redemption. They conversed in standard Cantonese.

“Please be seated cousin Lai, tea will arrive soon.” To show the importance of his concern Dong Sui See refrained from asking Lai about his family and started talking business. “I have read in the Bangkok News that there have been some 7-11 shop robberies; the latest is in our district where over 20,000 baht was stolen. The lost money is insignificant; we have 20 shops in our district alone contributing up to 5,000 baht a week, 5 million baht every year. However, we have lost face and our other interests could be compromised.”

Lai accepting that retribution would be sought, replied, “Master, I will attend to this urgently.”

Seeing perspiration on Lai’s face, Dong Sui See nodded. The perspiration was not of fear, but rising excitement. Lai enjoyed retribution.



Several more days passed. Elroy and Innocent talked some more. When they left the hotel they took great pains to act cool and natural like. They had found the Lucky-Nine club in a side Soi not far from the hotel and felt at home in the large darkened room that had eight pool tables, an assortment of undesirables, and a couple of girls wearing tight white tank tops and short black pants who racked up the balls. Elroy at the bar now, eyeing the girls and ordering two cans of chilled Chang from the all-seeing, all knowing but not talking bartender said, “Maybe we just shoot pool and see what happens.” Innocent looking round at no one in particular, just a few no-hopers, thinking well nothing much going to happen anyway, let alone shooting.

That is until this Chinese guy comes into the place, who looked a bit like a young Jackie Chan, dressed in a sharp white suit, and open necked shirt with a gold chain on show. Innocent, now only interested in sinking the 5 ball, missed out on the whispers and nods in their direction, but Elroy was more alert to the change in pace. Here it friggin’ comes, he thought.

The Chinese guy comes up to Elroy, who is a head taller and bigger all round, with his gold chain glinting off the table light and asked in English, “Know why this place call Lucky-Nine and only have eight tables?” Elroy taking this like it’s the most natural thing anyone would want to know, and now also wondering why said, “How much the girls cost?” pointing to the girl with ‘Love Is Short Time’ printed in black across her top, who is now smiling at him and pushing her bazoombas out. The Chinese guy gave the girl a look that says FUCK OFF or you’ll end up as Chop Suey in a shorter time. She goes back behind the bar. End of Act 1.

Act 2 begins with Innocent, now back in the picture and with cue in hand ready, seeing the girl, the Chinese guy and Elroy passing the time of day and acting all friendly like they had known one another for years. “Maybe you wanna play pool then?” said Elroy to the Chinese guy. He pointed at Innocent. “This my good friend.” The Chinese guy wasn’t having anymore and he motioned to the back of the club. “We go talk in room, quiet.” Well seeing this guy all dressed up like he was going to a wedding party and on his own, Elroy thought that he and Innocent were on safe ground. He nodded. End of Act 2.

Act 3 begins and ends in the room, with a king size bed, shower and cable TV. They sit on three chairs with a small glass table between them, the Chinese guy on one side, and Elroy and Innocent on the other facing the door in case of trouble. The Chinese guy, with his back to the door and being very composed even though Innocent is still holding his pool cue, calls himself Lai Chan Chen, not Jackie Chan, although Elroy would have preferred Jackie than Lai. Anyways he came to the point quickly.

“I look for two rob 7-11, take 20,000 baht. Our money, we protect shop. We see black man.” Elroy looks at Innocent, then back at Jackie or Lai.

“Who see?”

“Man who cannot.”

Elroy paused, thinking shit, knowing now that this Lai knows and he knows we know he knows. He tried a bluff.

“So whether we friggin’ did or didn’t, what’s it to you?”

“Have two choices. Swim with fish.”

“And?”

Lai just sat back, his cold black eyes staring, calling his bluff.

Innocent, tiring of this two way discussion not including him said to Elroy, “I just shoot this slant eye Jackie now. Or better, just drive this cue right up his ass and into his ‘motherfucking’ head.” Elroy wondering how feasible this was, said to Innocent, “Cool it, let’s hear the man out first,” mainly because their guns were in their room safe, with their passports. He turned back to Lai, but Innocent now raised his cue to beat the shit out of Lai, but didn’t because Lai acting like Jackie dislocated his knee with one short kick and left him on the floor holding his leg and moaning somewhat.

Jackie changed back to Lai and said to Elroy in a menacing tone, “Have two week to return money plus 100% interest. Already have passport, not take gun. We open room safe.” He stepped over Innocent still moaning, and opened the door.

Elroy said, “How the friggin’ hell you get into our room?”

Lai stopped, turned, and just stared some more.

Elroy conceded the home run, but he was still in there, pitching. “Ok why this friggin’ place called Lucky-Nine?”

“Have ten table, not lucky. Man lose two table in dice game.”

Elroy nodded as if he understood the meaning of life.



Still in the Lucky-Nine club, now at the bar Elroy eying the ‘Love Is’ girl’s yabbos again said to Innocent, who still held his leg somewhat painfully, “You go and sit awhile. I gonna see a good friend and give my head a rest.” Innocent, now sitting down on a stool holding a chilled can of Chang against his knee said, “That ‘motherfucker’ Jackie caught me unawares, busted my leg real bad.” Elroy thought this is not the place to discuss personal business with the bartender and all watching, so he nodded to the girl and then pointed to the room, and she said “pay bar fine 500, room 350 and 1,000 baht for short-time.”

Shit that’s two nights at the hotel, thought Elroy and bargained her down to 1,500 plus 150 lady drink and disputed the 200 taxi fare.

“200 taxi, where you go, Australia or something?”

“Live long way, many traffic. Give good time, smoke in room, take care you.”

Elroy says to himself what the friggin’ hell, we’re fucked anyway, and more to the point, he needed a fuck.

Innocent, not wanting to miss out on Thai pussy, and also feeling in need of some TLC, took the other girl to the room when Elroy came out looking a lot happier than when he went in. When the final curtain fell, some four hours or so later, Elroy and Innocent left the Lucky-Nine club somewhat smashed and having had all their cash and cream skillfully extracted. One man dressed head to foot in black, who had been sleeping on a wooden bench at the back of the hall, followed them.



Lieutenant Prik Dum was pleased with the information about the black criminals and their location, showing his gratitude by pressing a purple 500 baht note into the man’s hand. “Khorp Kun Khrap” (thank you) he said to the man in black. He decided to visit the temple and seek guidance from Buddha, and buy a lottery ticket.



Dong Sui See graciously offered Lai Chan Chen a rare Oolong tea from the East China coastal district of Fujian province, which Lai gratefully accepted. After a respectable time savouring the exquisite taste and asking Lai about the health of his family, Dong told Lai when these black men pay back the money with interest; they must be dispatched as an example to others.

Dong Sui See meditated for several minutes. “The injured Farang is known to our business associates. We want to know why he is here in Thailand. Give him their passports and hotel address. We will observe.”

“Give, Master?”

“Better that the Farang is in our debt,” explained Dong Sui See patiently. That was a mistake

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