Long Tale Press

CHAPTER 1

I

If he had not been half way ignorant and all the way stupid, Joe Pudd would have been a dead man. As it occurred, he faced Sherriff Ezekiel E Z Lucerne trying to explain why he attempted to rob a Seven Eleven store in broad daylight during the busiest part of the day. After a series of questions and interpretation of some of the dumbest answers he had ever heard, Sheriff E Z, determined the jest of what had happened. Evidently, Joe had gone into the store at noontime figuring all the money would be in the register and the time was perfect to strike. Walking up to the counter, he had produced his gun and demanded money under the threat of death to the clerk if she didn’t comply. When she did not move fast enough for Joe, he decided to help her. In the process, he laid his gun on the counter and reached for the cash drawer. The clerk seeing her chance grabbed the gun and yelled at Joe to get his hands up. While she was occupied dialing 911, Joe decided to run for it. The clerk tried to fire the gun at Joe, pulling the trigger several times. But the gun didn’t fire. Smart boy Joe forgot to load the weapon! Sometimes you make out being stupid!

Responding to the 911 call, Sheriff E Z and his Deputy arrived within minutes. After getting a description of the perpetrator, the law officers started a perimeter search of the area and spotted Joe casually walking down the street one block over. How hard was it to spot a five foot five inch bald headed man wearing an old Navy Pea coat with the buttons missing, in Levi jeans and brown Roper Boots? One hand had a black glove and the other hand was bare and around his neck he wore a red scarf. Stopping the patrol car and traffic as well, they surprised Joe by gang tackling him and slipping on the handcuffs seemingly, in one swift motion. After reading Joe his Miranda rights, they placed him in the rear seat of the police car. Everything happened so fast that Joe Pudd still maintained his confused state after arriving at the police station.

As he sat in the jail cell, Joe wondered what might happen to him. He had been arrested two times before. The first time he was speeding on Okatoma flats. The law didn’t ask for his license, just put him in the squad car, took him to jail, towed his truck and scheduled him to see the judge the following day. The judge levied a $200 fine and three days in jail for the first time offense. Then there was a DUI arrest. E Z himself had arrested Joe. Joe had drove around a curve out on Highway 18 about nine PM in his old F-100 Ford and found himself the middle of the roadblock before he knew it. Too bad, but he just drank the last can of Bud Light. Joe was flying high when E Z ask him to take a sobriety test. That was one of the few times in his life Joe did something smart. He told E Z he couldn’t take the test because he had been drinking. The officers were laughing as they took him off to jail and charged him with DUI. A hefty fine and a loss of license for six months was all he received for that escapade. Now they had him for attempted robbery. They just might throw the book at him and he would end up in Parchman. Maybe he ought to call his buddy, Tootlum.

CHAPTER 2

Joe still had a case of the stupid if he thought Hershel “Tootlum” Shanks could or would help him. Hershel got the name ‘Tootlum’ due to being half black and half white and his color reminded folks of the light brown, flour gravy that gained popularity during the depression era. Tootlum lived in a shack nestled deep in the water oak bottoms of the Okatoma swamp where few folks went or wanted to venture into. Tootlum had numerous brushes with the law but none that had resulted in jail time. His six foot, three inch, one hundred eighty pound frame could be seen around town doing odd jobs, driving his distinctive old Chevy van. Once a month he could be seen going to Parchman to see his brother. Apparently, Tootlum’s brother, Herman was convicted of murdering a white man in an adjoining county and received a life sentence with no chance of parole. His brother was the only one that Tootlum cared anything about, besides his mother.

Joe Pudd considered Tootlum his friend anyway and Tootlum did not dispute Joe’s idea. It was comical to see them together since Joe was as bald as a bowling ball and Tootlum had straight black hair down to his shoulders which he kept in a pony tail most of the time.

Joe heard a commotion down the hall, looked up and saw his girlfriend, Mavis Pruitt accompanied by her two kids, Dianne and Cheyenne, coming toward his jail cell. Now, Mavis is at least eighty pounds overweight, blonde hair, blue eyes, never been married, lives on welfare and handouts from the government and isn’t sure who the father of her two girls are. Her two greatest assets are carried well out in front of her, jiggles when she walks and are attention getters especially for the male gender. But she likes Joe and tolerates Tootlum, primarily because both of these rednecks seem to like and are protective of her two daughters. And the girls like these two guys. Mavis often cooks for Joe and Tootlum, takes drugs with them, drinks with them and sometimes shares the extra money she makes cleaning homes with them. All in all, just one little happy family!

A short visit and Mavis tells Joe the bad news. There is no bail for him today. The judge will not be in until tomorrow. And the court will have to appoint a lawyer for him because they do not have the money to pay for one. In the meantime, all Joe can do is sit in jail and keep his mouth shut. Don’t give the prosecutor anything more than he already has. She tells him not to worry, that everything will be all right and that he just has to trust her. She also informed him that she would go by and let Tootlum know what was going on. These words rang in Joe’s ears as he listened to Mavis dominate the conversation.

Joe doesn’t sleep well that night. He spent a lot of time wondering about how it will be in Parchman. All he knows is what Tootlum tells him about what his brother says. And that ain’t good! Why do they have to get up so early in the morning? What is with growing all those vegetables and all that cotton, corn and the like? That has got to be the biggest fields he’d ever heard of! And you got to work in them from daylight to dark every day except Sunday. If he wanted to work in the fields, he would have a farm of his own! That is cruel and unusual punishment to put a human being through. There ought to be a law against it! With all those vegetables, the food ought to be better. Why is the food lousy? And there isn’t any air conditioning! You don’t get no holidays off except Christmas Day. Now that he thought about it, he wished he had loaded that pistol. He might have been a lot better off than what he faces now.

The next morning promptly at 8 O’clock, a young man in a pinstriped suit, wearing glasses and carrying a briefcase appears at Joe’s cell door, accompanied by E Z. The Sheriff informs Joe this gentleman is his court appointed lawyer and Joe is due in court in two hours. With that, E Z opens the cell door for the lawyer and tells him to call up front when he wants out then departed the area. The lawyer starts the conversation by stating that he does not know how he is expected to defend stupid but he’s going to view this as a learning experience. Joe does not understand a word the lawyer says so he just sits there and grins. The lawyer takes this to mean that Joe doesn’t give a rat’s rear. It goes downhill from there. When it comes time for the bond hearing, the lawyer wants to plead guilty to all charges but his training won’t let him do that. So the lawyer enters a plea of insanity and asked for a low value bond and psychoanalysis by a state doctor. When E Z testifies that he thinks Joe is crazy as a road lizard as a minimum, and touched in the head, the judge orders a full analysis by the state hospital at Whitfield with no bond required. But Joe does have to wear a GPS ankle bracelet so his whereabouts could be monitored. The lawyer can’t believe his luck and nearly broke his arm patting himself on the back returning to his office. Joe still didn’t have a clue as to what is happening. E Z gets on the phone and calls Mavis informing her of the latest in the life of Joe Pudd. Mavis in turn relays the information on to Tootlum Shanks.

The week long evaluation at Whitfield fell under Sheriff E Z Lucerne’s cognizance as far as security and transportation was concerned. The veteran law officer oversaw the activities involved with a meticulous and analytical approach as was his custom. By the third day, it became obvious to the team of doctors at Whitfield they were dealing with someone with a definite problem who was prone to do anything at any time. He displayed symptoms of a paranoid personality dominated by a lower than average intelligent quotient. In short, what he was doing or what he had been doing was the best he could do and was the best you could ever expect from him. In their opinion, Joe Pudd was one of Society's unfortunates that needed constant attention and help, not mentally capable of making a suitable living or decision on his own. The reports read exactly that way when they were sent to the judge.

Upon review of the reports from Whitfield, the Judge’s decision shocked everyone. When asked if he had committed the crime of attempted robbery, Joe Pudd thinking that they had him dead to rights, confessed and said yes, he was guilty. Since he had confessed, trial by jury was not a necessity and sentencing by the Judge was the next step. The Judge sentenced Joe to one year in jail, suspended, contingent on the fact that Joe Pudd be put on the Welfare Roles and start drawing Social Security Disability. His reasoning was predicated on the fact that if Joe had the intelligence to hold down a job or had been trained in a skilled trade, he would not have attempted to rob a business to obtain needed money for survival. It was therefore Society’s role to take care of folks like this in keeping with the rules as Jesus taught, “Love thy neighbor as thyself.” Needless to say, in one week, Joe Pudd went from being a criminal to being a free man. In two weeks, Joe Pudd went from being nearly broke all the time to having a steady income for the rest of his life. Through it all, Joe remained confused and dazed. It took the better part of a month and several times of explaining it all for Mavis to finally get Joe to understand just what had occurred. Even then, he didn’t understand why it had happened as it did. Tootlum just smiled, and thought it was a godsend.

CHAPTER 3

As Tootlum Shanks drove his Chevy van down the narrow road toward his shack in the Okatoma swamp, he could not help but think of what had occurred with his friend Joe Pudd. Old Joe fell into a barrel of crap this time and came out smelling like cherry blossoms. All he has to do is sit on his can and draw that check every month. No work, no worries and Mavis to cook for him and take care of his needs. He sure made out like a bandit this time. Man, he sure was lucky for someone being so dumb as to try to rob a place with a gun he forgot to load. Just think of what would have happened if that gun had been loaded. Old Joe would have been pushing up daises! But like it is, he is making money. If God looks after stupid drunks, Joe Pudd has it covered on two fronts! But on the other hand, that does leave him with a lot more free time than he had before. That just might work out to his and my advantage. May have to think about that for awhile! Yep, that may be a gift from Heaven!

From Mavis’ viewpoint, the wheels had already started to turn. Why not have Joe move in with her and the girls now that he had a steady income. He could help with the expenses around the place and be a daddy to the kids. They like him and he likes them. That place he lives in is about to fall down anyway. And besides, didn’t the Judge say someone needed to look after Joe all the time? Mavis figured she would be doing everyone a favor by letting him stay there with her and the girls. It would make her look respectable to have a steady man around and a daddy for her girls to look up to.

A done deal in Mavis’ mind; Joe Pudd would move in with her and it happened just that way. Mavis had a ring in Joe’s nose before he even had a clue. He moved out of his old place and got situated in the spare room at Mavis’ trailer home before it really hit him as to what had happened. The more he thought about it the more he became convinced that it was his idea in the first place and he was a genius for thinking it up. After all now, he could afford some things he couldn’t have in the past and he might as well share them with Mavis and the kids. Yep, life was going to be good from now on and just getting started. And think about all those hot meals Mavis would cook! A cold beer, a little TV, a hot supper and a little loving ever night! Joe thought for a moment he might have died and went to Heaven. And to think it all happened somehow ‘cause he tried to knock over that Seven Eleven. Maybe he ought to try that again and see what happens.

Meanwhile, Tootlum Shanks was planning on a big score and Joe Pudd was a main player. But he could not give Joe too much to do because as sure as God made little green apples, Joe would mess it up somehow. No doubt in Tootlum’s mind that Joe Pudd could destroy a steel anvil with a rubber hammer. Not many folks knew that old man Wilkins, who owned the Wilkins Contractors Company, had a habit of paying his employees in cash on Friday afternoons as a convenience to them. Well, Wilkins always had a wad of cash left over. He had to keep it until Monday morning when the banks opened and he could deposit it again. Tootlum just happen to hear two of Wilkins’ employees talking the other day while working on Mrs. Tally’s gutters. Since Wilkins lived alone, the pickings should be easy. Just need to make a plan and follow it to the money. No one will know and we will have the dough! Surely, Joe could be a look out and not screw that up! The plan had hatched, at least in Tootlum Shanks mind. He had to explain it several times to Joe before Joe felt comfortable enough to be a look out while Tootlum burglarized the Wilkins dwelling in search of money. The dastardly deed would be performed this Saturday night. On Sunday morning, they would be rolling in the money. Might even take them well into next week to count it all!

Saturday night rolled around and our two Heroes made their way into town via the back roads keeping well out of sight and maintaining a low profile. They decided to use Joe’s old Ford F-100 for transport to and from the crime scene. They would park it some distance from Wilkins’ home just in case someone might recognize it. Didn’t want anyone to connect the truck to the crime now, do we? Approaching their target on foot, they found the home dark as a moonless night. A quick look around and it appeared no one was home and no dogs were guarding the property. Tootlum took this to be a good omen and an invitation to execute his plan to the fullest. Joe didn’t know what to think. Assuming a lookout post at one corner of the house, Joe signaled Tootlum. Tootlum acknowledged and began searching for an open window or door.

Finding neither he elected to break into the home by smashing the patio door with a hammer. After the initial noise of breaking glass, silence prevailed once again. Just to make sure that everything was okay, Tootlum waited a full three minutes listening intently. Hearing nothing, he entered the house. To see in the dark, Tootlum turned on a small maglite. It was at that instant a loud boom sounded and a dull ache took over his right leg. Two seconds later and the leg refused to work any longer, causing Tootlum to crash on the floor in a heap. The lights came on and Tootlum could see the face of old man Wilkins looking down at him. Wilkins held the biggest pistol Tootlum had ever seen and it was pointed at his face. The hole in the barrel looked big enough to throw a basketball down. Wilkins informed Tootlum that Sheriff E Z and the Paramedics were on their way, but if Tootlum moved even the slightest, the Paramedics would not be needed. Tootlum believed him.

Joe Pudd became alert at his self appointed station when a loud noise shattered the still night. No mistaking a gunshot! But who had fired it? Was it Wilkins or Tootlum? Somebody had to be dead! It was the state of being scared that made Joe do the smart thing. He ran before anyone saw him. He high tailed it to his truck, cranked up and stealthily drove back to Mavis’ trailer without drawing any attention to himself or his truck. He might tell Mavis what had gone down tonight sometime later on but now he did not want to talk about it. By the time everything was wrapped up over at the Wilkins place, Joe Pudd had been asleep for some time. And Tootlum did not mention Joe’s name in any capacity. He might need Joe later on for some reason now that he was in deep trouble.

Mavis found out about Tootlum being shot on the early news the next morning while Joe slept in. Shrieking loudly, she almost tossed Joe bodily out of bed so he could hear the words from the WLBT Reporter. The reporter just said that Hershel Shanks was shot in the leg with a .357 magnum pistol while trying to rob the Wilkins home last night. Mr. Wilkins accosted Mr. Shanks in the den of his home after Mr. Shanks had broken the side door to gain admittance. Fearing for his life, Mr. Wilkins had shot Mr. Shanks in the right leg. Mr. Shanks was acting alone in the robbery of Mr. Wilkins home.

Joe wasn’t so dumb he didn’t breathe a sigh of relief at the report he had just heard. Good old Tootlum! He didn’t turned Joe in. Just knew he could count on him! Tootlum is a true friend, there ain’t no better, no sir there sure ain’t! What Mavis doesn’t know won’t hurt her! Joe felt he needed to go check on Tootlum and see how he’s doing. He wondered where they had Tootlum? He could check with E Z and find out he guessed. E Z could even tell him if he could see Tootlum or not. Yep, the first stop will be with E Z, so he guessed he better get going.

With a fresh shave and clean clothes, Joe drove into town and stopped at the Sheriff’s office. After exchanging pleasantries with the deputies and E Z, Joe asked about Tootlum and found out that he was at the local hospital under heavy guard and under no conditions would he receive any visitors. Maybe Joe could see him when he had been to see the Judge and was in the County jail awaiting trial. When Joe asked when that might be, the Sheriff said he guessed with the healing process and all that, it could be as long as four to five months. Then E Z added his own version of how bad a .357 magnum could tear up a man’s leg and added that Tootlum had indeed been a lucky SOB since the bullet had not destroyed or broken any bones. Yes sir, that bullet had passed cleanly through the flesh not touching the bone anywhere. If that had of been any one else, the bullet would have torn off that leg. Old Tootlum must be living a charmed life! With that said, Joe preceded back to Mavis and the two girls.

CHAPTER 4

Happiness was not enveloping Mavis. The newfound wealth she thought she had with Joe Pudd played out much faster than she thought possible. They had lived it up for the first two weeks of the month but here they were in the third week and broke as Chinese Monk on a mountain retreat. She had spent her allotment as well as the Social Security check Joe Pudd now received. The government handouts were not coming until next week and very little in food remained in the house for the girls to eat. But they did have clothes to wear. Clothes for the two kids were part of the fun they had and where some of the money had gone. The kids might starve to death but they would be dressed to the hilt while doing it! And both her Honda Accord and Joe’s Ford truck were setting on empty, needing gas and no money to purchase any. She honestly didn’t know what they were going to do for the next few days. She really needed gas in her car if she was going to clean houses and make any extra money. She had to get to work and walking was not an option. She would have to check with Joe and see if he had any ideas on how to solve the problem. So she posed the problem to Joe that night when they went to bed. A little pillow talk so to speak.

Joe did not have an immediate answer for the dilemma Mavis had presented him with. In fact he didn’t really understand what had happened to all the money they had at the beginning of the month. They had a pocket full of cash then all of a sudden it was gone and they were broke and had very little to show for it.. And he certainly did not have any fast answers for a solution. So he just thought about it, worried about it, fantasized about it and considered praying about it. The result of all his efforts amounted to a restless night of intermittent sleep and no solution to the problem. It did seem to him though that if they could get some gasoline for the vehicles, then Mavis could go to work and make some money to live on. The more he thought about this angle the more it seemed to be the answer to the entire problem. So by the time he had gulped down a cup of coffee the next morning, he had convinced himself he had the answer to solve all their problems. A plan began to form in his mind.

Since he had no gas in his truck, everything he did had to be done while walking. That part worked out okay because that meant he could stay in the woods and not be seen. Just what he needed for this little escapade! Grabbing his gas can, a screw driver and a ball peen hammer, Joe proceeded to the patch of woods adjacent to the trailer. Sneaking through the woods towards town, he took extra caution to make sure he wasn’t seen or heard as he made his way. After the better part of half an hour, Joe arrived on the edge of town. Standing in a clump of trees, hidden from view, Joe surveyed his surroundings. There behind the Dollar Store at the edge of the parking lot stood exactly what he was looking for; a lone vehicle parked by itself away from all the rest. No one seemed to be around. Joe sneaked down to the truck and took a quick look around. The place and the truck appeared deserted. The time was ripe and Joe was ready. Time to get some gasoline so Mavis can go to work! Joe lay on the ground, scooted up under the truck so he could gain access to the gas tank, pulled out his tools and placed his gas can nearby.

Two sharp blows with the hammer drove the screwdriver through the metal of the gas tank and gas began pouring out on the ground and on Joe. He quickly placed the gas can under the flow and the can started filling with the liquid. Joe was ecstatic with the success of his plan and started feeling an emotional high as the gas can continued to fill. It was too slow; it was going to take more time for the can to fill than Joe had envisioned. As he watched, he became restless. He decided to calm his nerves by having a smoke. Striking his lighter to light his cigarette started the beginning of a nightmare Joe would relive for many nights when things got still and his mind started to wander. The flame from the lighter ignited the gas on Joe’s clothes first. As this happened, Joe had the presence of mind to roll out from under the truck and start to run toward the trees. But he wasn’t as fast as the burning fuel. The gas that had spilled on the ground caught next with a whoosh allowing flames to engulf the gas can and the stream of fuel coming from the ruptured gas tank. A few seconds later, the entire gas tank exploded lifting the truck up off the cement parking lot and slamming it down extremely hard. The outward explosion caught Joe with such force that it put out the flames on his clothes, picked him up physically and threw him near the edge of the trees he had been running toward. Joe’s adrenaline level hade reached high enough that when he hit the ground, he jumped up and kept running deep into the woods until exhaustion forced him to stop and lay down. It was here that he passed out for the next two hours and completely missed the action on the parking lot behind the Dollar Store.

The employees and customers in the Dollar Store thought a terrorist attack was certain when the explosion occurred behind the store. Several calls were made to 911. Sherriff E Z and his deputies responded in record time only to find what appeared to be the remnants of a truck that had been bombed and burned severely. The questions now were, who and why. The license tag was still intact so they could determine who the truck belonged to. At least that would be a starting point. A couple of radio transmissions back to dispatch revealed to E Z that the truck belonged to an employee working for the Dollar Store. The employee drove an eighteen wheeler for the Dollar Store chain and was on the road at the moment. Is he ever going to have a surprise when he gets back home! In the meantime E Z and his deputies had the dubious honor of interviewing all the Dollar Store employees an all potential witnesses to the alleged crime. It had been a long day indeed.

Two hours after he passed out, Joe Pudd awoke in the forest back of the Dollar Store not sure what happened or why he was there. Sitting up was a chore. He was sore, burned and felt like he had been beaten with an oak fence post. His hands were seared black and part of his clothing was burned away. Ever so slowly the preceding events started to become clear to him and he marveled that he was still alive considering what had occurred. Moving slowly, he found he could stand up and walk if he was careful. Curiosity got the best of him and he headed back to get a look at the truck in the Dollar Store parking lot. What he saw amazed him. The area was cordoned off with yellow tape reading, ‘Police Line-Do Not Cross’ written in bold letters. Standing around a blackened charred and mangled mess of metal that used to be a truck, were four deputies talking and taking notes. Joe could not believe his eyes.

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